10 Things To Know About Failed Adoptions

Seven times we’ve started down the road to adoption, only to get derailed for any number of reasons. We’ve had a mix of both foster-adopt and private adoptions that ended up not working out for one reason or another. Today, I want to share with you ten things to know about failed adoptions.

1.)   Failed adoptions happen. This is the most important thing to realize about failed adoptions: they do happen. People who haven’t been down this road, or are just beginning down this road seem to not understand that adoption isn’t an easy road to walk, on any side, and that there are hiccups.

2.)   It is a loss. After our first failed adoption, I was a wreck. We had spent months planning, preparing, anticipating, and longing to meet our new little baby. And then one day, we got a call from our potential birth mom telling us she had a change of heart. My world caved in around me. I was grieving a child who would still live, however, the idea of that child in our lives, was no more. We thought, “The baby is still alive, so we have no right to grieve.” Finally, a friend looked me in the eyes and said, “Your feelings are valid.” I felt for the first time that I had permission to count the loss as a loss. Those four words have been vital in my healing.

3.) It’s okay to mourn. It feels weird, to mourn a living person, but it’s okay. It’s okay to grieve the very real loss you’ve suffered. It’s okay to be sad for you.

4.) It’s okay to feel happy. The weird part about a failed adoption is that there’s often a joy for the family who is gaining a new member. It feels like you should be angry with them, but sometimes, the joy over a new life creeps in and melts those feelings away. I fought that the first time, not realizing how healing it could be. I clung to the anger and almost let it consume me. But the truth is, embracing that happiness can be good for everyone involved.

5.) You will never forget them. Never ever. Every loss we’ve had is nestled deep in our hearts. Just like you never forget a child you’ve miscarried, you’ll never forget a child who you planned to adopt.

6.) Not all failed adoptions are because of changed minds. People often assume that the only way a failed adoption can happen is if someone changes their mind. But, that’s not always true. Many factors can interrupt an adoption plan, one of our potential birth moms miscarried. It was devastating to all of us, and we mourned together. It’s important to remember that we can’t control everything, and life is completely unpredictable. 

7.) Not everyone will understand your emotions. Someone very close to me cut me deeply after one of our failed adoptions. I felt comfortable pouring my heart out to this person, but after I expressed my grief to her she huffed and said, “Just get over it. She wasn’t your baby to lose.” I was devastated, and for a moment, I believed her. It took me a while to realize that we all view life through our own scope of experiences and, thankfully, she had never had the experience to have empathy for my situation. It is frustrating when people can’t understand why we’re upset, but it’s also important to realize that they may not, and that’s okay. We can’t allow their lack of experience to take away the validity of what we’re going through.

8.) Everyone can use a little grace. When an adoption loss happens and it is because of a change of heart, it’s easy to get caught up in the bitterness, anger, and feelings of betrayal and let them consume you. But, it’s important to also be able to give them some grace and understand how difficult even walking down the path to adoption must be. We can all use a little grace, and often, giving someone else some grace in an impossible situation can soften our hearts, too.

9.) You can grow from each loss. Hindsight is 20/20, right? When walking through each of our losses I only saw disappointment and failure. What I see now is a path that built strength, endurance, love, understanding, and hope. A path that leads us, after many hills and curves, to our daughter. Each of those children, though not in our lives in the way we once thought, has made us stronger people.

10.) Don’t quit. It is so easy to grow discouraged and throw in the towel. But just remember: they are worth it. Your child is worth every tear, every loss, every year of waiting; they are so, so worth it.