4 Awkward Adoption Situations & How To Get Through

I have many adoptive mom friends, and I have seen them all reach out for advice as they approach these nerve-wracking, adoption situations in their journey. Nerves are on edge, emotions are running high, we brush away thoughts of inadequacy, or attempt to bury our fears of being rejected. As a mother by adoption, I know these are some of the most monumental moments that we face. But they are intense moments and it’s normal to feel every emotion known to mankind.

1. Talking to An Expectant Mother For The First Time

This is one of the moments we wait for as adoptive parents. We dream of the day when we’ll get the call that we’ve been chosen by an expectant mother.

Sometimes, hopeful parents will Facetime or have a phone call with her before meeting in person. When talking to an expectant mother for the first time, remember that she must be just as nervous (if not more so) than you. Understanding that can hopefully help relieve some of the anxiety. Before you call, make a list of a few questions that you’d like to ask so when your nerves get the best of you, and your brain blanks out, you can refer to your sheet of paper. This will enable you to quickly reach for a question if there are awkward gaps in conversation.

Don’t go into the discussion thinking of her as a birth mother. She is a friend. Don’t dive into heavy baby/adoption chat. Get to know her as a person. If she decides to place her baby with you, I promise you’ll want to remember this first conversation and details to tell your child someday. Ask about her family or friends. If she has questions for you, answer honestly. Don’t say what you think she’d like to hear.

2. Meeting An Expectant Mother For The First Time

I remember meeting each of my girl’s birth mothers for the first time. My heart was pounding. My head was spinning. I was praying she would love us. I was praying that we would “hit it off” and develop this beautiful relationship. I spent hours thinking about what to wear or how to do my hair.

Again, remember that she is just as nervous. Anxiety is such a humbling emotion–and it feels the same to all of us. When meeting an expectant mother for the first time, be yourself. Dress like your normal self. Do your hair as if it was any other day. Let her see you. Give her a peek into your normal life to help her envision what it would be like for her child. Don’t spend extra time doing your makeup (you’ll likely cry away your mascara anyway).

During the conversation, let her lead. Ask her questions about her family and friends. Let her feel your compassion and love for her. When it’s your time to speak, don’t tell her your life story, but give her some intimate details. Let her see your emotions and love, too. Talk about your marriage–how you first meet, your first date, your favorite vacation together. During these moments of reminiscing, we often glow as we think back to fond memories. Let this expectant mother see your love for each other.

3. Attending Doctor Visits

In some cases, expectant mothers ask the hopeful mom (or parents) to attend doctor’s appointments with her. As a hopeful parent, this was such a treat for me. But it can be one of those awkward adoption situations too.

First, never ask if you can attend an appointment. If your expectant mother wants you there, she will invite you. I always asked to take them out to lunch or ice cream before or after so I could use her appointments as an opportunity to spend more time getting to know her.

While you’re at the appointment, stand back. You are just there for support. Don’t ask the doctors questions unless she refers to you. Don’t state your wishes for the laboring or birth because none of that is up to you.

When the time comes for her exam, offer to leave the room. This prevents any awkward moments while she gets undressed or examined. While you’re waiting outside the door, say a prayer or two for her. Take some deep breaths.

4. Arriving at the Hospital

Many adoptive families have the opportunity to be at the hospital for the birth of the child or arrive shortly after the baby is born. Personally, I felt that these moments were the most intense of my life. Yes, you are meeting a child for the first time who will be your son or daughter. But more than that, the emotions are so high as we are pulled between seeing the baby, seeing the birth mother, and counting down the hours until TPR is signed. It’s a hard spot to know what to do/not to do.

You may feel like you aren’t sure what your role is or where to go. If you ever question where you should be, go to the birth mother. Be by her side. Ask what she needs. Sit quietly beside her–often times that is enough. Support her. If she asks you to leave, don’t be offended. These are some of the most personal, emotional moments of her life. Give her space if she needs it. Once the baby is born, stay with the birth mother. Pray with her, read with her, sit with her. Wait for her to tell you to go see the baby. If she wants private time with the baby, give her respect and privacy. Mostly, take deep breaths. These hours/days between birth and TPR being signed are very hard for all involved. Know that these moments will pass. Soak up every last moment you can with your child’s birth mother.

Know that these moments, among others, are all a part of the adoption adventure. If you take a deep breath and relax, they can be some of the most beautiful and rewarding of your life. As an adoptive mom of two, I cherish these moments and recall them often, trying to remember every detail. I tell my girl about the day I meet them and about the time I spent with their birth mothers. That, for us, is priceless.