1. Respect

Everyone wants and needs respect. While everyone knows the reason that you’ve been brought together is the baby she carries, she wants and needs to know that she’s more than just the incubator for the baby you so desperately want. Ask questions about her. Her interests, hobbies, background.  Building a relationship with a potential birth mom is much like any other relationship. Be genuinely interested. It’s also a wonderful time to learn about your child’s heritage, potential future interests, and potential to choose certain hobbies and interests.

2. Honesty

It’s important to not make promises that you don’t intend to keep. Under promise, over fulfill.  When we first entered a relationship with our first son’s birth mom we simply told the truth. We didn’t know what we wanted as far as open adoption went. Luckily, she didn’t either and we just figured it out together. But we’ve always tried to be honest. About feelings, about expectations, about disappointments, and about what we want from the relationship.

3. Empathy 

Try to remember and understand that while this is an extremely exciting moment in your life, it’s a heartbreaking time in hers. I sincerely believe that birth mothers want to see your excitement, they want to know that their child will be loved deeply and wholly, but also exuberance and lack of empathy may make her feel unimportant. These emotions are difficult, but essential to acknowledge.

4. Be Yourself

This is perhaps the most cliché’ of the bunch. When we were waiting for our first son’s birth mother to decide on which family she would choose, my husband was adamant that no birth mother would ever choose us. His reasoning? That I was overweight, and he was short. These ended up being the precise reasons she did choose us. Not necessarily my weight, but his stature. Be who you are. What you may see as a detriment may be exactly what she is looking for.

5. Love

Now is the perfect time to take the chance to start loving your birth mother. For us these relationships have become real and profound. I love them nearly as much as I love my children, that they bore and granted us to raise. Each relationship is different, just like each relationship with my children is different. What a unique and wonderful relationship we have with each of them.

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